Shadow Chronicles Prologue: Unknown Destination

Prelude comments before getting into the story: Yes, this is my first story, and yes, I'll probably get better as I get to go along. Don't chew me out because it's my first time writing otherwise, I'll just stop posting it here. Any help is appreciated, and this is the Shadow Chronicles Prologue: Unknown Destination.

EDIT: I will provide with a revised version of this Prologue, since it's nearly an unanimous decision that the readers aren't getting into it. Go ahead, comment, and critique this prologue since this is my first time doing this ever. Sorry for the people that already got into it, but the majority of people didn't get into it....so I have to fix up the problem by revising the portion that's off...

Like I said, you wouldn't know the results until AFTER you posted it, and yes, I felt uneasy to post this as well. But, now that I know people are interested in it...I can provide more to it. Thanks in advance for helping me out.

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It is a nice autumn morning, as a gentle cool breeze swept across the ground towards the school while students enter the school for classes this morning. Birds chirping away as the students groan for another day at school. A young woman is heading over to the school, humming to herself on what's to come on this beautiful day followed by constant whispering to herself.

She then began thinking to herself, "What a nice, wonderful day. Hopefully we get to leave early enough to go home so that I can hang out on the rooftop. It's so relaxing up there, so much that it wipes away worries about what I have to do when I get home." She began to shake at the thought. "What my parents put me through.... Forget it. Just forget it. It's just a relaxing day at school and most enjoyable when I get away from that place...even if it's for a little while..." She began to walk up the stairs and into the school, when she felt the gentle breeze one last time on her face before the doors to the school closed.

As she was listening to the lecture, she began writing down something in her jounal titled "Introduction":

"If you have noticed, this would be my first entry in this journal. Let me introduce myself. My name is Night Everglades. I'm 15 years old and attending high school. I have no friends to talk to since everyone is afraid of my parents. I don't blame them; however, my parents have been treating me like I was their property instead of their daughter. I just want to know how far I have to go to reach peace and to find out if someone needs me to help them. I just want to know what to do....what I'm capable to do in this lifetime..." She briefly stopped, let out a soft sigh, and continued writing down in her journal.

"Well...hm...I'll describe what I wore to school today. I decided this morning to wear a brown shirt with a black skirt. Since, I thought it was going to get chilly outside, I decided to wear a black jacket to school today as well as long white socks that reach up past my knees and stop way before it reaches the black dress with black shoes. (prefered black slip-on shoes so that I can leave home to go to school early so that I don't have to deal with my family."

A lunch bell rang letting people know that you can go eat lunch anywhere on the school grounds. She grabbed her stuff and pocketed her journal in her bag which has her lunch inside of it and left to her usual spot near the mirror in the lobby. In the lobby, she overheard some people talking about her and began to listen further.

Serious counselor asks the student, "Who's is this Night Everglades's person?"

Attentive student responds, "I don't know. She seems to be writing in her book, today, while the teacher is talking."

Serious counselor responds, "Figures. If she doesn't want to watch the teacher, she can do whatever she pleases on that note, but her parents needed to be notified immediately on what just happened." After that word was said, she began to stare at the mirror in front of her.

She began thinking to herself again, removing 2 rubber bands from her ponytails letting her long light-blue hair go down behind her back, about what's going to happen to her once she gets home today, "If he's going to contact my parents, my dad isn't going to be happy with me and might force me to do a bunch of stuff today as well as something from my room being gone in this time frame. This utterly sucks. What do I have to do to get out of this life? What do I have to do in order for me to be happy enough to survive this pain? What do I have to do to continue on the path I was destined to be in? Damn it, this sucks. Is there any way out of this?" She then sighed and started to eat her lunch looking at her reflection in it. As she finished the bell rings again letting people know that lunchtime is over and time to get back to class.

She then thought to herself as she threw her garbage from her lunch away, "Maybe, there is no way out?" as she enters the classroom and sits down near a desk to listen to the remaining lecture. As she listened, she began to write about what she overheard the counselor said to the student and how her father is going to treat her once she got home.

After the lecture when everyone's gone from the room, she grabs her bag and left the facility. As she was walking down the path towards her home, she looked at her home in the distance and started to cry to herself....

She then thought to herself, "Why, me?" as she entered her home. Meanwhile, her mother is trying to clean up the table before her father gets home.

Mrs. Everglades commanded Night, "Clean up and help me get supper together. Your father is going to be home any minute." Night put away her bag away in her room and cleaned up to help her mother with supper. Meanwhile, her father enters the house.

Mrs. Everglades greets, "Welcome home, dear."

Mr. Everglades asks, "Is supper ready yet?"

Mrs. Everglades responds, "No. I-" After he heard "No.", he punched her right in the face bringing her down to the floor.

Mr. Everglades states, "Useless, and you..." He began to stare at Night. "Come here." Night began to wonder to herself on what he's going to do to her.

Night asks, "Yes?"

Mr. Everglades responds then asks, "I got a call from your counselor today during work. Why weren't you listening to your teacher when you should be learning?"

Night responds, "Not really much to learn from that school since it's basically comes from the book itself. It's not like-" He grabs Night by the neck and lifts her into the air.

Mr. Everglades boldly yells, "Now, listen here. Your mother and I are looking forward to you passing out of that school. Either, you pay attention to that class or get out of the household. I'm tired of failures like your mother and you." He threw her across the room, and Night ran into her room crying, locking the door so no one else can get in. In her room, she began to stare outside and looking up to the stars.

Night asks to herself, "Why, me, of all people?" as she went over to her bed and laid down on it.

She states, "Maybe tomorrow, it'll be better," as she begins to doze off. Suddenly a voice began to whisper in her ear.

Voice whispering, "Maybe, not all is what it seems." Night got up startled, wondering who said that.

Voice stated, "Don't worry about who said that. It's just your destiny calling you."

Night asks, "Wait, what? You said "destiny". What destiny?"

Voice states, "All will be explained tomorrow when you are taken to your new life."

Night asks, "What? New life? Seriously?"

Voice states, "Enjoy your last night in your old life, because tomorrow night, you'll begin anew. Until then, good-bye."

Night smiled to herself and replied, "My last night, here." as she calmly went to sleep. The next day, she went to school as usual, minus the fact that there was no cool breeze to calmly keep her cool. She sat down in her classroom, pulled out her notebook and started to write down stuff in her journal again.

"Today is my last day in this life? That voice seemed to be too good to be true, but then again, I was wondering if I had a life outside of where I was living.-" The teacher smacked a ruler on her desk disrupting her train of thought.

Teacher asks, "Night, can you come up to the board and tell the class what you were writing?" Night refused and the teacher grabbed her notebook and blurted out everything to the class.

Teacher then states, "Next time, pay attention to the class." as the bell rang for lunch. Night was embarrassed and ran out of the classroom, ripping apart her journal on her way out. She then threw the journal away and ate her lunch. She overhears some students talking about her.

Back-talking student comments, "Whatever, this Night person should be expelled from this school. What a joke of her "destiny" being away from here. If she doesn't get it together, she won't have a future at all."

Thoughtful student comments, "I agree. She should be expelled. Let's see what the teacher would do though." Night began to look down at her bag and decided to go back into the classroom. She sat down and mildly listened to the lecture, before the bell rang to let people know that school is over. Night then left abruptly and headed straight home. In the evening, her mother was chatting with Night about what happened in school today.

Her mother asks, "How was your day at school?"

Night responds, "Horrible," and then asks, "Can we discuss something else?"

Her mother asks, "What is it that you want to talk about?"

Night asks, "Do I have a future outside of here?"

Her mother froze at that comment then commands, "Go to your room and stay there for the remainder of the night and think about what you said to me. Do you think you have a future? I don't think so." Night looks at her mother and went into her room for the night.

She mutters with herself, "The last night in this lifetime?" The moon began to shine into her window and then she began to hear the voice again.

Voice states, "It's time for you to go."

Night froze after hearing the voice and asks, "What do I have to do?"

Voice responds, "Just stand in the moonlight, and I'll do the rest. If you want, remove your socks from your feet to see what is going to happen to you." Night removed her socks and put them on the bed and began to stand in the moonlight.

Voice responds again, "Just relax, and don't worry about what's going to happen." Suddenly, her feet began to disappear into the moonlight of the room. She looked at the mirror in the room and smiled.

She thought, "This is it? My new life..." Her black skirt fell from her body as her waist vanished. She stared at her disappearing body, just smiling at a thought...."My destiny..." Her shirt and black coat fell to the floor as her upper body and arms vanished from view. She looked at the mirror, one last time, and smiled as her head vanished from the room leaving no trace of her.

In a room in a cave, Night appeared in the room and looked in a pond at her reflection. She freaked out as she is no longer wearing clothes and hid behind a rock. She began to feel her body to check if there were any wounds on the body. After she noticed that there were no wounds, she stopped hiding and looked around. Afterward, she heard the voice again.

Voice states, "Follow the moonlit path toward your destiny." She began to do so, wondering why she wasn't wearing any clothes.

Voice then states, "The reason why you don't have clothes is because I couldn't teleport you in the moonlight and made you travel into a different dimension with them."

She briefly thought to herself and asks, "Who are you?"

Voice then responds with, "There is a better question than that, my dear. It's "what am I?"."

She froze at that response and then responds, "There is one way to find out, and that's listening to you."

Voice responds, "Correct." She then mutters to herself, covering her breasts with one arm and keeping the other arm free, just in case she needs to open doors. She came across a pedestal which had a rapier stabbed in it as well as a chest nearby.

She asks, "You're a sword spirit?"

Voice responds, "No...I'm your conscience."

She asks, "Why would I come here?"

Voice responds, "To have a destiny. Anyway, in the chest lie new clothes for you to wear. Something that will protect you in the days to come."

She responds, "Thank you."

Voice responds, "You're welcome." as the voice faded away into the shadows. She walked up and picked up the lightweight sword.

She thought to herself, "My destiny is to fight? Interesting." As she opened the chest, and began to put on the new clothes, she looked back of which the path she came from.

She responds, "There is no turning back," as she sheathed her sword and left the cave.

After she left the cave, a dark voice responds from the shadows, "So, there is a new wielder of that blade. Let's see how much that person can survive." as the dark voice began to laugh, echoing throughout the cave.

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TO BE CONTINUED....................................

Anything that needs explaining or unsure about, post your questions here so that I'll answer them. (Yes, I don't want to put a long explanation at the end explaining why I picked what I picked.)

According to what people have said over Instant Messenger, I will fix it up a bit. Any other suggestions will be appreciated, since it is my first time writing a story.

Fixes:
-misspelled words and some loose ends. Replaced the word "Random" with something worth more meaning.

It's... eh. The idea's okay, but things are really bland so far. It's just Person A Said "Blah", Person B said "Blah", repeat ad nauseum. Needs a bit of fixing up.

Anyway, the prologue was more meant to give you some information on the main character of the story, so that you get some idea on what's to come, and yes, I wanted to see how badly I did on my first try, so be honest.

I like the idea, as this is my first fan fic not YGO related, but the writing could use a tune up. Ruuden was right that it is a bit regimented in its structure; one person speaks, next person speaks, so on, making it feel pretty didactic. It needs more flow I guess. Also, some of the spelling/grammar mistakes made it hard to read. Work on the language and it'll be better. Secondly, Night seems way too gullible. I know her current situation is less than desirable, but a phantom voice telling her she's going on a new life...she eats it up right away. It takes her 3 sentences to become fixated on the message of the voice. And I guess more description of the setting would bring the reader in, add some color to the scenery to keep the writing from being black and white.

Fenian wrote:

I like the idea, as this is my first fan fic not YGO related, but the writing could use a tune up. Ruuden was right that it is a bit regimented in its structure; one person speaks, next person speaks, so on, making it feel pretty didactic. It needs more flow I guess. Also, some of the spelling/grammar mistakes made it hard to read. Work on the language and it'll be better. Secondly, Night seems way too gullible. I know her current situation is less than desirable, but a phantom voice telling her she's going on a new life...she eats it up right away. It takes her 3 sentences to become fixated on the message of the voice. And I guess more description of the setting would bring the reader in, add some color to the scenery to keep the writing from being black and white.

Thanks for the feedback, Arch.

Anyway...

I agree with Klarth and you about the one person speaks and that seems a bit not-structured...

Spelling and grammar? I'll look through that a bit, in a couple of days, to check out all that...since I figured out I needed to do something different with the Voice anyway...(just need to change one word in that...(headdesk)...)

Yeah, I'll admit that this is my first fan fiction/story in a long while that I was interested in...

Night is somewhat suppose to be gullible in this stage since she is young...What else is she going to do while others are bringing down her spirit...(AKA outside forces)

Also, since I probably need to figure out a better description...here's what I'm trying to base Night Everglades off of....(and I'm using Photobucket pictures to help me through this...)



If you want me to improve my description of her...go ahead...

=_= I'd probably need to set up a character bio of the characters (thus far) since I probably have to give names to the open-ended people....

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Alright, new idea...

Here's what I'm going to do since a lot of people are confused with the characters...

• Set up a character bio of EVERY character I use in the story...

• Redo the prologue since I probably can do it waaaay better...(this prologue was a test run so that I can figure out my weak points in Fan Fiction writing and yes, I'll give you more description and that, so be honest with critiquing...)

• At the same time, I'm plotting out Chapter 1, which is going to be different in my eyes since I have to literally describe what's going on, so I'm plotting it out as we speak in my head.

Thanks for the feedback as usual and I'll fix up the prologue a bit, post a new one, and let you comment on that...

This was suppose to give you an idea on what is the background story of Night Everglades but I see that point isn't getting across...Sorry if I'm repeating the Prologue and turn people away, but if people aren't getting into it...I have to fix up the loose end before continuing on...

It's like building a Yu-gi-oh deck or trying to figure out a new teacher for the first time, testing to see how the person is or testing to see if the deck is running properly is always the first thing to do before considering that you are done with the deck.

So, I thought, might as well post this even though I felt uneasy with it...if people aren't getting into it, I need to fix the problem before continuing on...

Thanks for the feedback and go ahead and provide more feedback/better description of Night Everglades, if you want.